under appreciated am i

i want more. is it wrong to want more. more than what im getting. not a lot. just a little.

for i feel under appreciated. and it hurts.

ive asked someone to do something. and sit here. alone. on the verge of tears. yet they wont come. its possible they are too busy lubricating the thoughts racing through my mind. my hope and wish is he listens to my plea. someone you love asks something of you. do you do it or not. if the latter happens i dont know what ill do. i really dont. it kept my stomach in bunches all day. i dont think my love or feelings for him will change. but they will be hurt. battered and bruised a bit. my heart will hurt. throbbing something terrible. trust will be shaken. not stirred.

im not being very compromising. thats what an IM told me. yet i feel the opposite. more compromising has been done by this bathing boy in the months weve been together than for anyone in my life. past and present. i dont understand how he doesnt see that. or at least catch a glimpse or 2 of me from middle ground. i dont know what more i can give without getting more from him. im slipping. and might lose myself.

i feel guilty saying that. wanting more. must be the half catholic in me. he gives what he can believing im not happy with anything he does. false. yet resistance is futile. is it wrong to want a little more. i deserve it. he knows it. relationships are between 2 people. give and take. take and give. communication please. a decision was made without me. i was informed of the decision. but his mind would not be swayed despite my request to not follow through. compromising i made a final plea. do what you want but do me 1 thing.

now fear expands. growing. feeding upon and filling my thoughts as i sit here typing with reddened eyes. trembling limbs. and a stomach in knots. not telling me things is a self admitted fault. to not hurt me. will the next words he say to me be truth. or a fantasy created to appease and protect me. do i even want to know or need to be aware. ignorance is bliss never sat well with me. drug me. somebody please.

but me thinks it a double edged sword this boy carries. for that i am sorry. damned if he doesnt. damned if he does. a 3rd option. drop the sword.

return home. to me. sweet dreams.

i trimmed my facial hair yesterday. then shaved and had a nice long bath. they always feel good. its afterwards. cramps. like a mother fucker. all over my body. arms. legs. back. even my neck and abs. no matter the water i drink. vitamins. minerals. potassium and more. orange juice. but still the cramps keep coming.

i did a facial mask as well. and felt like christian bale in american psycho. at least for a little while.